Posts tagged Me

“Blogging is not for the faint of heart.” -Juelle

I seldomly faint unless I missed breakfast and lunch, which has been happening way to often now days. No, I’m not trying to lose weight but when you work in the kitchen you don’t eat like you should, unless you have alarms set. 

Anyway I did have something to write about so let me get to it. I Pretend. Doesn’t that sound horrible when you first think about it - “What do you mean you pretend? Do you mean your fake?” Nope that’s not it at all, although those were the first questions that popped into my head when I type that sentence. Maybe I’m not using the correct verbiage, maybe I should of said I’m adaptable, but to me it didn’t quite fit what I had in mind. So I’ll use the word pretend and try to explain.

I am GUILTY of trying to be a “Jade” of all trades. I like to know a little about a lot, and it can really become confusing. I’m pretty sure at times I felt like a puppet, but there was actually a very tiny part of me that was interested in the subject whatever it happen to be at the time.  I guess basically other people’s interest interested me more than my own. I have always been interested in people; all different kinds of people, and the things that interest them. To be perfectly honest I am still interested in different kinds of people and I think that I will always be. 

In elementary and middle school you could translate this as me trying to be friends with a lot of people; getting to know them. The end of middle school and the beginning of high school is when it changed. It wasn’t about making friends I was angry at the world and really couldn’t give a damn one way or the other. No it started to be about how I could prove and improve who I was; a surprisingly developed teenage girl with a lot of insecurities and a want to help others so she wouldn’t have to deal with herself.

Again I don’t know if pretend is the word I’m looking for but that is how I felt. It was like trying on different hats and never finding the perfect fit. And yes I know that nothing is perfect but I do believe that there is a “just right” for everyone including myself.

WOAH!! Actually writing the words is starting to make me feel very liberated. I’m afraid to say that I am still plagued with insecurities, but then again who isn’t? I’m proud to say that now I don’t have to pretend, I’ve found something that I can call mine. I’ve found my own interest, my own dream. Yes, I’m still very unsure on how to accomplish what I want but I was never a quitter, I’m just too damn stubborn - or so my mummy and daddy like to tell me.

I didn’t think this would be so long winded and I’m not even sure if I got my point of view across. Pretending is something that comes natural me when I can’t see clearly for myself. It has nothing to do with trying to manipulate the people around me into thinking I really care. Wow that sounded harsh. Thing is I do care and I believe that the people who I’ve met in my life so far were put there for a purpose, and I am grateful.

Damn, why do I feel like I just talked in circles…

I didn’t want to write this, but if I don’t it will just be one more thing I have to lock away in my mental storage container; and quite frankly it’s over flowing.

(deep breath) I am a serial dreamer. There I said it. I’m going to try and not sound so sentimental because I’m not THAT sensitive. But, yes I love dreaming, and yes of course mostly happy dreams of bright loving futures. I’m honest it’s all made up in this average sized head of mine, but what is life without dreams? 

I admit that in this dream world everyone walks around with rose colored glasses, but I’m not that naive, I also have realistic dreams to keep my feet on the ground. Pretty sure we’ve all had the “I wish I could snap my fingers anytime time and change “__blank__”” kind of dreams. We are after all human… or are we? There I go off in my dream world where the only tears that flow are full of happiness, and then I wake up. 

I’m back in the real world but I do catch myself daydreaming on a regular basis. Like any normal person I also talk to myself. No, I’m not crazy… well maybe a little after all my favorite past time is shopping for a new knife or kitchen gadget. After all it comes with the territory, and most people wouldn’t tell you this but between you and I chefs are crazy. We are artists and dreamers. How else can we come up with creative menus and produce exotic dishes that are so aestheticallly pleasing to the eye that it makes people’s mouths water in anticipation. 

Oh boy I went there again, but it’s okay. Most times I have the urge to dream under control and when I don’t I just pray no one sees it. 

“A place where even dreams believe” -the mantra @ the Tyler Perry Studios

I’ve have been thoroughly inspired by the vide he posted on “How to be Successful. I have the same feeling he talks about; that feeling that your meant to do something and it won’t let go of you. He says its the feeling that keeps you going when you want to give up.

I sound pretty cryptic right now, because I still don’t want to give name to my dream job; but I’m believing that GOD will make a way for me. When one door closes another opens. I’ve not been giving my all, playing it safe, not taking any risk.

I’m a person who values stability because I haven’t had a lot of it in my teenage years. And so I’ve become overly cautious. Even when I was in college, I look back now and wished I had lived a little instead of being antisocial and safe. Now don’t get me wrong I went out but not as much as I wanted to for fear I would lose control. Told you I have control issues when it comes to myself, but I’m working on them.

Can’t wait for the Journey to really begin.  

Dating sites have taken it to a whole other level right now. Do I have a sign on my forehead that says “I’m Single and Looking”? Why is there about 6 emails in my inbox from online dating sites. How do they know I’m single to begin with, bunch of stalkers.