“Blogging is not for the faint of heart.” -Juelle

I seldomly faint unless I missed breakfast and lunch, which has been happening way to often now days. No, I’m not trying to lose weight but when you work in the kitchen you don’t eat like you should, unless you have alarms set. 

Anyway I did have something to write about so let me get to it. I Pretend. Doesn’t that sound horrible when you first think about it - “What do you mean you pretend? Do you mean your fake?” Nope that’s not it at all, although those were the first questions that popped into my head when I type that sentence. Maybe I’m not using the correct verbiage, maybe I should of said I’m adaptable, but to me it didn’t quite fit what I had in mind. So I’ll use the word pretend and try to explain.

I am GUILTY of trying to be a “Jade” of all trades. I like to know a little about a lot, and it can really become confusing. I’m pretty sure at times I felt like a puppet, but there was actually a very tiny part of me that was interested in the subject whatever it happen to be at the time.  I guess basically other people’s interest interested me more than my own. I have always been interested in people; all different kinds of people, and the things that interest them. To be perfectly honest I am still interested in different kinds of people and I think that I will always be. 

In elementary and middle school you could translate this as me trying to be friends with a lot of people; getting to know them. The end of middle school and the beginning of high school is when it changed. It wasn’t about making friends I was angry at the world and really couldn’t give a damn one way or the other. No it started to be about how I could prove and improve who I was; a surprisingly developed teenage girl with a lot of insecurities and a want to help others so she wouldn’t have to deal with herself.

Again I don’t know if pretend is the word I’m looking for but that is how I felt. It was like trying on different hats and never finding the perfect fit. And yes I know that nothing is perfect but I do believe that there is a “just right” for everyone including myself.

WOAH!! Actually writing the words is starting to make me feel very liberated. I’m afraid to say that I am still plagued with insecurities, but then again who isn’t? I’m proud to say that now I don’t have to pretend, I’ve found something that I can call mine. I’ve found my own interest, my own dream. Yes, I’m still very unsure on how to accomplish what I want but I was never a quitter, I’m just too damn stubborn - or so my mummy and daddy like to tell me.

I didn’t think this would be so long winded and I’m not even sure if I got my point of view across. Pretending is something that comes natural me when I can’t see clearly for myself. It has nothing to do with trying to manipulate the people around me into thinking I really care. Wow that sounded harsh. Thing is I do care and I believe that the people who I’ve met in my life so far were put there for a purpose, and I am grateful.

Damn, why do I feel like I just talked in circles…

I didn’t want to write this, but if I don’t it will just be one more thing I have to lock away in my mental storage container; and quite frankly it’s over flowing.

(deep breath) I am a serial dreamer. There I said it. I’m going to try and not sound so sentimental because I’m not THAT sensitive. But, yes I love dreaming, and yes of course mostly happy dreams of bright loving futures. I’m honest it’s all made up in this average sized head of mine, but what is life without dreams? 

I admit that in this dream world everyone walks around with rose colored glasses, but I’m not that naive, I also have realistic dreams to keep my feet on the ground. Pretty sure we’ve all had the “I wish I could snap my fingers anytime time and change “__blank__”” kind of dreams. We are after all human… or are we? There I go off in my dream world where the only tears that flow are full of happiness, and then I wake up. 

I’m back in the real world but I do catch myself daydreaming on a regular basis. Like any normal person I also talk to myself. No, I’m not crazy… well maybe a little after all my favorite past time is shopping for a new knife or kitchen gadget. After all it comes with the territory, and most people wouldn’t tell you this but between you and I chefs are crazy. We are artists and dreamers. How else can we come up with creative menus and produce exotic dishes that are so aestheticallly pleasing to the eye that it makes people’s mouths water in anticipation. 

Oh boy I went there again, but it’s okay. Most times I have the urge to dream under control and when I don’t I just pray no one sees it. 

I really don’t get out much and I have no clue how to relax. Okay I lied about the first part, let me rephrase I DON’T go out. Okay I feel much better for telling the truth. However ever today after work I went for a late lunch with my best friend from high school, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. 

Go me! I really need to get out more often, even if its just to eat, because I will definitely not be going on little shopping trips unless I’m going for kitchen products, or a new knife. I have also decided to bake and cook more now that I have the time. Can’t wait to try some new recipes. 

Anyway there is really no point to this blog, it’s just a way to stick to the guidelines I’ve set for myself, however I’ve made up my mind on something that will change my life drastically. Again however I can’t talk about because I have this penchant for talking myself out of things. Basically the less I talk about it means that I will actually do it when the time comes. But I will say that I’m very excited. 

Random moment but I realize that this whole piece might not be grammatically correct but I don’t care to take my time since I want to take a nap in a couple of minutes. And that is all I’m going to say peace out!